Tuesday Tip: The Independent Toddler Playing Hide And Seek

My friend Anna recently described a scary situation common with toddlers and young children: running away, or as I like to call it, "hide and seek". Anna was in the mall play area with her son, and when she was putting on her coat, she couldn't find him. An employee of a store nearby had "Bubby" and when he saw his mother coming, he ran into a nearby dressing room to hide. Anna's reaction to the situation was very normal, and in the end, she believes that Bubby learned his lesson about this new found game.

It reminds me of a few years ago when I was at the mall to pick up a video game for my nephew. I normally enter the mall by the food court, but that day something told me to enter at a different door. I did so, and as I was walking past Sears, down to Game Stop, I passed by the play area. A little girl, clearly of a different culture and 2 years of age was looking for her mother. I waited to see if someone would claim the child, then kept walking. 

And then I turned around. Something was wrong. I went back to the play area, and the child was obviously lost. I watched for a few minutes as she wandered around searching to no mother in sight. I realized she was lost, and my fear was that she was abandoned. Not wanting to scare her, I gently introduced myself as Miss Dani, and told her I was a teacher. My guess is that she understood that I was a stranger, yet there was something comforting about me. Extending my hand, she took it, and together we walked to Sears located at the other end of the mall. Halfway there, she started crying, and I picked her up. I dried her tears while fighting my own, and we reached Sears, where they alerted mall security. Twenty minutes had passed since I found her, and together I walked with mall security back to the play area. Ten more minutes had passed, and nobody claimed her. 

Mall security was on the phone with police after thirty minutes, and finally it happened. Her mother appeared out of nowhere, looking for her missing child. With respect to other cultures as evident by the film "Babies", I explained to her mother that she should keep a better eye on her child next time or she may not be so lucky. The mother explained to me that she was at a store and when she went to pay for her items, she discovered her child was missing. I told her that was no excuse, because anyone could've taken her child and caused serious harm. I wasn't trying to scare this mother, but I did want to her to see how dangerous the situation was. In the end, I apologized for my harsh tone, and I believe the mother understood that I was only trying to help.

Anna's story, like this child, is something that parents go through when raising children. Children want to use their new found independence, and this game of hide and seek is no exception, especially for toddlers and preschoolers. Here are some ways to set boundaries for your child to explore:

1. If your infant (11-12 months) or young toddler (12-15 months) is walking, encourage them to walk in places like the mall. Let them walk as much as they like, as this is not only a newfound skill, but independence. Be prepared to move fast and sometimes run as they explore on foot. If they start wandering off, avoid using the word "no" or yelling. 

Do say: "That's far enough", or "let's stop right here". Using the word no is associated with negativity, and children may not understand what is safe for them to explore.

Don't say: "Stop it," or "No, don't go there." I worked with my best friend at her aunt's childcare center and I recall a teacher telling a child no, followed by the " 'don't do that' ", without explaining why the behavior was unsafe. Toddlers, like any child, need to know why something is unsafe, so they can make a better choice. 

Offer a safe choice, and encourage your child to come to you when they call them. Toddlers love independence, so use praise when they follow through, and use the praise consistently.

2. If your older toddler (15 months-2 years) or preschooler (2 years or older) wants to explore the mall on foot, allow them to do so in a safe manner. Just like the newly mobile young toddler, let them walk around with you close behind, and be prepared to move fast if needed. Set limits, and explain to them the consequences for not listening. Encourage them to come back to you when needed, and use praise often. If they are not listening, follow through with the consequences. That is how they learn to stay with parents and caregivers. When I was a nanny, I took my charges to Target. A (age 3) got out of the car first, and put her hand on the "circle next to the door" (the gas tank) while I got P (age 18 months) out of his car seat.